KC

K.C. - I just realized I hardly ever put the periods after your initials. Weird...

Anyway- right now you are at the Stake Priesthood broadcast and I am missing you. I do that a lot. Which makes me happy. I LOVE missing you.

I especially want to tell you how grateful I am that you took me out last night. I know that the car has been broken down for 1.5 wks. and the parts finally got here and you were planning on fixing it last night and that way we could have both gone to Ward Council and you wouldn't have to work on it on your day off tomorrow and, and, and... there are another million reasons we should not have gone out last night. But I am grateful from the depths of my soul that you recognized the desperation in my eyes when I asked you to go out with me. I needed a friend.

I am grateful that you are my best friend. That even when G.N.O. cannot cure a week of heartache and exhaustion that I can turn to you and know that you will listen until I'm done talking and we don't have to hurry home.

Just recently we were watching some silly show and the couple on it said they didn't feel like they were friends anymore. That they were just 2 married people living together. So sad. As you and I talked about that we realized that we have the opposite situation. We are MORE friends than anything else. We tend to waste time together (we need to work on this- but I'm really not complaining) and sometimes we have to remind ourselves that we are really grown-up people and should probably continue planning for our future. But we also agreed that we'd much rather have it this way than the other.

Because, dear KC, (see- I didn't insert periods there. Weird) while I know I am blessed to have you as a wonderful husband I feel doubly blessed that you are my friend. I feel blessed that we were brought together that way. That we knew each other when we were 10 and managed to not let that goofy time of life get in the way when things became romantic 10 years later.

I hope we will always waste time together. I hope we will always continue to make each other laugh. I hope that our kids will grow up one day and understand that as they look for a husband or wife that they will spend eternity with that they will finally know what we mean when we say "You need to find someone you will never get tired of talking with".

I love you, KC. And I will always 'miss you'. Promise Promise.

Love,
Crystal

THE MAN IN THE GLASS...

In the past, recently and not so recently, by completely different people I have been told I am
'too happy'
'not compassionate enough'
'looking through life with rose colored glasses'
'too blunt'
and, most recently, have been accused of 'not making enough of an effort' to let somebody know I care about them.

My heart is hurting and I am confused. I am struggling right now and need an outlet to clear my head. So here I am.

As I typed those words those people spoke to me... I realized that those statements about me were from people who don't really know me. Not close friends. Not family. Not people I have spent significant amounts of time with. So maybe those words shouldn't bother me. But they did.

I love words. Even when they hurt me. I evaluate them and try to understand what they mean. Dictionary's have the appropriate approved definitions attached to words, but I have learned that some words IE: compassion, blunt-ness, and happiness, whilst clearly defined in the dictionary, can mean one thing to one person and a completely different thing to another person. Obviously, the definitions of those words for those people are different than mine.

I have never been a person who worries about impressions. I am who I am and have been fortunate that most people I encounter are okay with this too.... as a matter of fact, most people I encounter appreciate my honesty about myself and my opinions. Which is why it throws me off when people don't believe me or don't understand my positive attitude or think I am 'faking' it when I am happy....

OKAY - I have taken a break and I am back. I spent some time with my precious baby girl and she made me feel better. We were going through our naptime routine. I helped her gather her binky and her blanky and her monkey (her 3 keys) and got her a sippy cup and we settled into the chair to read her favorite new story book (about Biscuit the Puppy) from her Uncle Kyle.
And when I laid her down in her bed and she said "night night" and "lubyou momma" I thought:

She doesn't think I am 'too happy'.
She thinks I am compassionate enough.
She likes me to wear my 'rose colored glasses' and see life in the happiest way possible.
She understands my blunt-ness when I am using it to teach her something or get my point across.
AND - she knows that I TRY. I try hard to make the effort to let her know I love her.

I am not perfect. I cannot do everything. I cannot make peoples problems go away. I can only try to help. And try happily. When my trying isn't good enough for the person on the other end or even when they don't believe that I have tried at all, I still have to be happy with my efforts and trust that the Lord will help in the areas I am lacking. And HE does. And for that I am grateful.

I'm sorry about the rambling. Those close to me know this has affected me greatly just recently. Even to the point that I began to judge others. When someone points out your faults some people tend to want to defend themselves by thinking 'they have no idea what I do or what I'm about. I do sooooo much more than this person or that person.' I fell into this trap this time over the last few weeks and of that I am ashamed and repentant. It is not like me to be unhappy and judgmental. I AM happy with the woman in the glass in my life. I am happy with my efforts. I know that I'm trying.

And - I am grateful for my precious 2 year old today who reminded me of this.

Because I love words I'm going to share with you one of my favorite poems given to me by a Young Women Leader (Linda Minor) when I was 16 or so. It is something I have looked at over the years when those self doubts have crept into my mind and I worry about what other people think. I hope you all are happy with the person in the glass.

THE MAN IN THE GLASS

When you get what you want in your struggle for gain,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what THAT man has to say.

For it is not your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts MOST in your life
Is the one staring back in the glass.

Some people might think you're a straight shootin' chum
and call you a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum,
If you can't look him straight in the eye.

He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you right up to the end.
And you have passed your most valuable test
If the man in the glass is your friend

You may fool the world down the pathway of years,
and get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.